Death Is Working in Me, but Life in You: A Reflection on Motherhood

Baby Brother Stephen (formerly called Aiden!)

No trouble here, Mom!

Big Brother Cohen

A friend of mine asked me last night at Bible study how things are going, and with wide eyes I blurted out, "Life is intense right now!" As I drove home, though, I began to take stock of and assess my current circumstances. It's not that my life is terrible or that things are falling apart. It's nothing of the sort. It's just - intense! It feels like a daily furnace into which I am plunged heart first!

What else, though, can I really expect of life on this side of eternity? Should I be surprised? Jesus did say, "In this life you will have trouble...," (John 16:33), and Paul warned that we would be "hard pressed on every side...and perplexed" (2 Cor. 4:8). I am not trying to be pessimistic - because I am so grateful to have children and to be a parent - but it feels like those verses give some definition to parenthood right now! Oh, how I understand that perplexed bit! "O God, help! What do I do? I don't know the way forward! I didn't know it was going to be like this! I didn't know that I was going to be that mom!"

I shared with my friend how different things are this time around than with my guinea pig child, Cohen. I feel so much more grace this time to pour out into Stephen. Being up in the night isn't a huge burden to me as it was before, I don't feel inconvenienced by my schedule that keeps me tied down to home (for the most part!), I have experience and understanding, etc.

Ever since Stephen's arrival in May (yes, we're switching to calling him by his first name rather than his middle name, Aiden!), Cohen's little three-year-old world has been turned upside down, and everyone in this house is feeling the effects!  Each day is marked by flurries of emotion that send Cohen to his room and me to my knees! (How is it, again, that children don't come with a how-to manual? That is an even greater oversight than not having valet parking at the ER!)

But what I realized last night in talking is that Cohen is not the cause of difficulty right now - I am! Life feels hard mostly because of how I respond inwardly in an unsanctified way to the pressures from my external circumstances. My life is only feels difficult because I am not yet fully sanctified! I struggle because I am not fully surrendered and am voraciously grappling for self-preservation. As I read through the New Testament, the testimony of believers that I see (esp. Paul) is not one of self-preservation but of joyfully enduring hardship with faith and vision compelled by the love of Christ for the only worthy One, the Lamb who Himself was slain, and for others (believer and heathen alike)! Sound familiar? It's that whole first and greatest commandment thing - loving God and loving our neighbor as ourselves. How un-simple that is to do at times!

In the same way Paul, a wise and kind shepherd, speaks to his Corinthian flock and walks out his relationship with them, I desire to do the same with my little flock at home that the Lord has entrusted to me:
 
"For [I] who live [am] always delivered to death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus also may  be manifested in [my] mortal flesh. So then death is working in [me], but life in [my children]...He who raised up the Lord Jesus will also raise [me] up with Jesus, and will present [me] with [them]. For all things are for [their] sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God. Therefore [I] do not lose heart. Even though [my] outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For [my] light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for [me] a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while (as long as) [I] do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal" (2 Cor. 4:11, 12, 14-18).

Someone once said that you are who you really are under pressure because when you are pressed, the reality of who you are comes out! It's when we show our true colors. I know from experience how true that is! The very reason why I have had an easier start in mothering Stephen (beside the fact that he is an easier baby and because the Lord has been pouring out grace on me!) is because I am not as selfish as I was with Cohen. When I had Cohen my little free world caved in on me. I was faced with the truth that should have crashed in on my heart way back at the Cross when I first met Jesus - my life is not my own! Having a baby so utterly dependent upon me - connected still by a virtual umbilical cord  - was unnerving to me, "Ahh! I just want to go do my own thing! Sleep when I want, eat what I want, do what I want to do when I want to do it!" So at least I can see some measure of fruitfulness in my life!

There is coming a day, a wonderfully glorious day, when I will be delivered from this body of death (Rom. 7:24)! Until that day, though, I desire grace to live by and sow to the Spirit and not the flesh - that I may live (Rom. 8:13). As I sow to the Spirit, I am also sowing into precious souls who are being molded and shaped each day through my interaction with them - just as my own heart is being crafted by the Master Potter in my relationship with Him.

O God, let me not give way to my selfishness, but rather, empower me with lovingkindness and servantheartedness. Let my love suffer long and be kind, serving not my own desires for ease and personal comfort. Jesus, You who paved the road of suffering and surrender, give me grace to surrender to You each step of the way! Help me not cling to my own rights and entitlements. Give me grace to pour out into these precious little boys with whom You have entrusted me. When I feel pressed on every side, remind me that I will not - Jesus, You promised - be crushed! When I feel the pressure coming against my heart and assailing my mind, help my responses. Help me to disarm harsh words with kind ones. Let grace be on my lips. I want to be fruitful in every good work, so help me to surrender to You wholly - for I am not my own.