A Book Review and Breakthrough in Our Parenting!

A friend of mine recently loaned me her copy of Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim Fay and Charles Fay. I am not even finished with the book, and I'm a big fan! I promptly began implementation and have already seen improvement in my three-year-old son's behavior (as well as my own)!

Below is a bit of our journey in the realm of parenting philosophies. Afterward is a review of Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood.

If you find yourself an exasperated mom or just a mom wanting help, advice, or insight into parenting a strong-willed child, I pray that this resource is a huge help and blessing to your family.

Since Cohen was a tike, we ascribed to the Amish-based line of parenting found in a little book called To Train up a Child. Its focus is training up children rather than "disciplining" them up. I think, for the most part, their philosophy worked for us....until about the last six months.

Earlier in the year Cohen learned the word "no" and became a big fan. As I was not excited about this new phase, I was at least appreciative that he was two-and -a-half when he made this discovery! At that time, we found that the style of hard-lined parenting we had been using took a turn for the worse. As we held the line and faithfully spanked for each offense, Cohen's strong will and newfound desire for independence morphed into anger and violence in an otherwise joyful and cute kid.

When baby brother Stephen arrived on the scene a few months later, Cohen's behavior went from bad to worse. As a stay-at-home mom, I have recently experienced some pretty bad days (bad in terms of child-related stress). When Tyler got home in the evenings, I would quickly pass the torch and relinquish my parental authority. As a friend of mine once said in a moment of exasperation to her husband just as he walked in the door,  "I'm done! I'm just done! Bring in the next mom!"

Needless to say, we were at a loss. We did not know what to do except to pray, and pray we did! Check out the archives for the first book review I did, which was our first answer to prayer - Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. The next round of answered prayer came this past week when a friend shared her resources: Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood and Loving Our Kids on Purpose, which was written by Danny Silk from Bethel Church in Redding, California (Bill Johnson's church).


The latter receives an honorable mention because it focuses on restoring and maintaining relationship between parents and children, which was helpful for us as we have some breaches to mend. I say honorable mention, though, because it is basically the former book with added "Christianese". I liked all that I read, but I wanted to read more. It was almost as if a chapter were missing - one devoted to examples alone. I learn by example, so I guess that is why I could have benefitted from many more.

The Love and Logic book came to the rescue for me. It is written in straight-forward, easy to understand language with added bullet points for clarity; it is also loaded with examples. When it comes to a self-help book, this one right down my alley! Of course you can guess that I highly recommend this little manual!

Here is a quick review of another one of Love and Logic's books, but the content is the same. I was going to do my own review, but I thought I would save a few precious minutes by pasting one I found from another mom. Click here for the link.

Offer pre-filtered choices. 

Young children think concretely, and they often see the world in black and white. They’re also vying for control in their life, and are constantly testing the waters of independence. How often do you hear “I wanna do it!” from your young preschooler? If you’re me, you hear it all day long. And it’s not a bad thing — it’s a sign of healthy confidence when your preschooler wants to put on her own socks, or carry his cereal bowl to the table.

The trick is to know when to give her the independence she wants, and when to reel her free spirit closer to you.

A few years ago I read the book Parenting With Love And Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, and it really transformed my parenting philosophy. One of the authors’ key points is to allow freedom for the 95 percent of decisions that don’t matter, so that you can fully claim control for the 5 percent that do.

In other words, when the outcome isn’t important, give your child the power to choose. When the outcome is important, make the decision unwaveringly and unapologetically — and hopefully, you’ve made enough independence deposits into your child’s account to keep him from being crushed when his freedom is relinquished. Because young kids are easily overwhelmed, help narrow down their choices, so that they have finite options for decision-making.

You probably already do this, in some sense. Let me show you what I mean.

Scenario #1

Your daughter, Anne, likes to dress herself in the morning. You’re not going anywhere today, so it doesn’t really matter what she wears. But if you give her free reign, she’ll unload her entire dresser and change six times before breakfast.

▪                ANNE: I want to pick my clothes!

▪                MOM: Sure. Here is your pink shirt and your purple shirt. Which one would you like?

▪                ANNE: The pink shirt!

Anne was given the freedom to wear the pink shirt from a finite amount of options — the pink one or the purple one.

Scenario #2

You can also invent decisions to be made, almost in a silly way:

▪                DAD: Hey bud, I’m having a ball with you at the park. We need to go soon. Should we leave now or in ten minutes?

▪                ETHAN: In ten minutes!

▪                DAD: Sounds good.

Ethan was given the “power” to choose, but they’re still leaving the park. Staying at the park all day wasn’t one of his options.

Scenario #3

This doesn’t always work — sometimes your daughter takes too long to decide, or she has a whiny attitude even about the choices she’s been given. In this case, you simply make the decision and move on. You be the adult.

▪                DAD: Lucy, I’d like you to pick the vegetable for dinner tonight. Would you like green beans or broccoli?

▪                LUCY: But I don’t want vegetables at dinner!

▪                DAD: We need a vegetable at dinner because they’re good for our bodies, and besides, they’re yummy.

▪                LUCY: But I don’t want one. (Ten seconds pass)

▪                DAD: You choose or I choose?

▪                LUCY: I choose. (Dad counts to five)

▪                DAD: I’ll choose. We’re having green beans.

And then the subject is changed to something else, and the decision is made and over with.

Scenario #4

Hopefully, if you’ve given your child enough decision-making power throughout the day for the insignificant choices, you can claim your responsibility as a parent by standing firm with the decisions that do matter.

▪                MOM: Alright, Peter, it’s 7:30. It’s time to brush your teeth and get ready for bed.

▪                PETER: But I don’t want to go to bed!

▪                MOM: I understand. But your bedtime is 8 o’clock, and you were given lots of choices today. Now it’s my turn to make the choice about what we do next.

Peter was probably given the decision about what cereal to eat for breakfast, whether to play with blocks or trucks after lunch, and which book to read before his quiet time. So Mom can more easily claim the power to decide when he needs to hit the sack.

To sum up:

• Let your child “do it” when she asks, if the end result doesn’t matter.
• Allow her to make choices all throughout the day, choosing from a finite amount of selections.
• When your child doesn’t cooperate, make the decision for him and move on.
• You make the decisions that do matter, and claim your position as a parent cheerfully and unwaveringly.

Ok, now it's me again! Here are a couple more scenarios straight from the Dunstan home:

Scenario #5 - Table Manners

I have been struggling with Cohen’s poor table manners for years. The kid likes to throw food on the floor, and it drives me nuts! Because of my reading, I have begun a new, simple implementation.

▪                MOM: (After Cohen throws food on the floor) Uh oh, Cohen, lunch is over!

And that is that! I take his plate away, and mealtime is done. No more extensive arguing or cleaning up extremely messy floors after meals!

Scenario #6 - Whining

Cohen has been a whiny child since before he could talk, and I have tried many methods for it to cease to no avail. After reading this little parenting trick, I was shocked at how quickly it worked. After experiencing the following, the next time Cohen whined and I went “deaf”, he immediately responded with a “big” voice!  I am looking forward to whining being a thing of the past around this house!

▪                COHEN: (in a whiny voice) Mommy, I can’t do it!

▪                ME: Cohen, I can’t hear whiny voices (I give him an example in an overly exaggerated way having fun doing it!), but I can hear big voices!

▪                COHEN: (in a whiny voice) Ugh, Mommy!

▪                ME: I can’t hear anything. Daddy, did you hear something?

▪                COHEN: (in a whiny voice) MOMMY!

▪                ME: All I can hear is a little squeaky sound.

▪                COHEN: (in a “big” voice) Mommy, would you help me?

▪                ME: Yes, I would love to help you!