1 Kings 19:11,12, “Then He said, "Go out, and stand on the mountain before the Lord." And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.”
Impressions, pictures, little nudges on the inside, dreams, prophetic words from others, and sudden understanding when reading the Word (spirit of revelation - Eph. 1:17) - all are differing ways that the Lord speaks. Recently, though, as I am spending less time in the Prayer Room and much more time at home with my newborn and almost three-year-old, I have questioned myself as a sort of check, “Am I hearing the Lord’s voice? What is He saying to me?”
I have been spending time in recent weeks in Ephesians 5 as my Bible study is studying and meditating on Jesus as the Bridegroom. Ephesians 5 being my chapter of focus, there I have been like a stick in the mud! The Bible has been like fountain sealed to my little heart and mind lately. I’m knocking on the door, but the gates are bronze and the heavens are brass, seemingly. Ok, Lord, here I am. I have Your Word in my hand. I am eating the scroll, so to speak, so speak to me! Do not be silent!
Oh, prayer! It is my lifeline, yet it remains such a mystery to me at times. I am reminded of this simple truth - He cannot be controlled, and He cannot be manipulated. For that very reason prayer is frustrating to my heart. God is not on my timeline, and He meets me on His terms, not mine!
So I am back in Ephesians 5, and I am supposed to be receiving profound revelation, insight, and wisdom from the Lord. Paragraphs on the love of God and knowledge of who He is as our Bridegroom are supposed to be drifting down from heaven...nothing. Days go by, and unrealized by me, I have been focusing more in prayer throughout the day on my marriage due to reading and rereading the wife’s and husband’s roles in marriage from Eph. 5. I have been asking the Lord to turn up the “light” on the “microscope” in my heart. I mean, give me more awareness of my own heart. Proverbs 20:27 tells us, “The spirit of a man is the lamp of the Lord, searching all the inner depths of his heart.” I do not even know my own heart except that the Lord reveals it to me. I can only see to the degree that His light shines.
As I have been reading through Ephesians 5, I have been checking off my little “wifey” list, thinking, “I am doing well!” O soul, wise in your own eyes you are! Little did I know that the Lord was taking me seriously and was answering my prayers by increasing light into my soul so that I can see more clearly and walk in more of a worthy manner.
One evening Tyler came home and promptly did something (that I cannot even recall) that frustrated me. I held my tongue, but on the inside, I was venting, “Ugh, does he have to do it that way?” My next thought was, “That wasn’t very kind. Don’t put on him the unrealistic expectations that you don’t like to be put on you.” Ouch! I did not realize there was a whole root system to that one comment. Was that the truth? Yes. Have I been responding in like kind at other times? Come to think of it, painfully, yes. I immediately found myself in repentance - for words that I never even spoke aloud! (In the beloved Psalm 139, David reveals in verse 4, “Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.” )
After my repentance session with the Lord and prayers for grace to receive His love for my own broken soul and grace to love my husband better, I stopped in my tracks. “Wait, Lord, You are speaking to me! You speak all the time, yet I have not been attributing what I am hearing to You. That was You who corrected me. It wasn’t my own thought, and it surely wasn’t the devil’s. I know that voice! I just forgot how subtle You are. That still, small voice is what it is, and I can only hear it if I am listening and am aware of my own thoughts. Thank You, Lord, for speaking! Thank You, Lord, for caring about my marriage and the darkness in my heart. Cause Your face to shine still more and more! In the busy-ness of life, help me to calm and quiet the traffic of my soul that I could hear Your gentle voice. Wash over me with the truth of Your words again and again; nourish and cherish me with Your utter kindness until I am a bride pure and white.
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