Numbered Wanderings

It's a normal day and I sit down to pray again, to meditate, and I find that my thoughts are yet to be fully trained, reigned in, and they fly every which direction - from here to there and back again on endless tangents. Instead of growing in my love for God and His Word during my quiet time, I find myself frustrated at my inability - still after all these years - to "do" prayer well! What will it take to attain to "super saint" status, you know, win the Mary of Bethany or St. Theresa award?
Disappointed by all of my mind's scatteredness, I pause and a phrase comes to mind, "You number my wanderings" (Psalm 56:8). And suddenly I am aware that Someone is watching me. Someone is listening in on my soul's innermost thoughts not yet verbalized. O God, even as I flail in prayer, You're marking it all, numbering it all, and counting it as dear and precious! And in the midst of my frustration with my inability, you tenderize my heart by Your heart that isn't looking for my ability in the first place! Oh, praise God! The striving in me runs deep, and though I have had significant breakthrough in years past, another degree of depth has exposed itself this morning. And now the mere idea, yet alone the reality of such kindness and tender nearness, makes me exhale and rightly look upward rather than inward.
My eyes continue further down the passage and I hear David speaking of his tears that God holds onto. That's exactly a thought I have been meditating on recently! Oh, I feel it again - like a little child with excitement at the old that seems new again - "I hear God!" I never tire of that feeling. All is not lost! I am not an aimless wanderer on this journey of prayer. The purposeful and kind leadership of the Holy Spirit has made me a focused traveler - out of darkness of confusion and into the light of revelation.
My tears You keep! You count my weak moments as precious - enough to be remembered! Why? Why do You choose to be reminded of weakness? Why not make trophies out of the strong moments - times when I did it all right - finally? Why cherish those lesser-than moments, the hanging-on-by-a-thread moments, the times I break, crack, and spill out pain and all manner of ugliness?
I hear You whisper, "Costly." I'm sorry, You're going to have to say that again, what? "That which only My eyes see is costly. Your tears are valuable to Me. They aren't broadcasted. They're kept hidden. They are between you and Me alone. This is intimacy."
You're the God of the secret place - the One behind the closed door, and "even darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You" (Ps. 139:12).
So even in my weakness, Lord, let me do what I can - just as Mary of Bethany. Let these tears that You alone see be as costly perfume in Your sight. And let me knot despise these weak moments - frail and wandering prayers - because they remain reachings toward You, precious to You. And You are a Good Shepherd skilled in the ways of reconnecting straggling, wandering, and lost sheep. In my wanderings, God, come and find me and carry me along the path of life.

      “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?”
       - Psalm 56:8

Nothing is too hopelessly fractured for You, God! You gather it all in. You write it down, and you turn weakness into the sweetest story told by the greatest Author. Thank You. Thank You that You never tire of helping, aiding, retrieving, molding, writing, or reworking - me.

Linking up with Monday Morning Chai: